Has beens and bygones

i feel depressed right now.

like im at the bottom of the emotions spectrum.

i hate my hair now.

i feel like going botak.

i hate the colour so much.

i miss my black hair.

i don't feel like going out.

today was a horrible day for me.

continuing from yesterday.

zmin freaked out at my hair.

today my brother got so pissed with me.

his car's air con rosak and he drives real fast. sometimes a little too fast, even for me.

i made a joke, he got insulted and told me to fuck off. shocked, i told him he was sensitive. he told me to get out of his car.

i want to continue sjam. wana make uniform tmr. mum's totally against it.

wana do duty for sjam b4 cny. can't. coz of stupid hair.

told dad about hair. now he's disappointed in me.

my whole bed of support just gave way to nothingness and the chasm.

the darkness engulfs me.

i dont remember being so sad and so depressed and so down before.

i hate even looking in the mirror now.

i hate my own reflection.

i've never hated my appearance as much as now before.

i hate my fucking hair.

i just want to be normal now.

God, why am i so dumb?

am i that stupid?

am i that horrible person i see in the mirror?

am i that dislikable?

my own blood kin hate me.

my own blood.

if i jumped... would anyone mourn?

would anyone visit my resting place every year?

how long? maybe a month.

then i'll be forgotten.

if i could be what you wanted.

if i could be who you wanted.

would it be me?

would you want someone else?

i know my mum wanted a daughter instead of me.

i know my dad didn't even want a second child.

i know my mum rather i leave for good.

i know i'm a burden to my parents and my brother.

i know i rely heavily on them for almost everything.

i know anytime i get into an argument with them, they always start out with the upper hand.

coz i owe them big time.

and i am speechless.

there used to be a time when dad and mum lived under one roof.

there used to be a time when brother admired me for being me.

there used to be a time when i had a family.

there used to be a time when i... when i had family who adored me.

i used to have juniors who admire me.

i used to have so much for so little.

times have changed.

a lot.

there used to be a time when i was with my girl 3 times a week.

times have changed.

a lot.

it's not her fault. she's innocent.

as innocent as an angel, all dressed in white.

she's the last rope i'm hanging onto right now.

friends all busy.

i don't blame them. they've got their own lives to lead.

i hate my fucking hair.

my life is so... depressing right now.

i'll be alright, i guess.

tomorrow, the day after, next week, next month... who knows?

but i'll hang in there.

but gosh, i hate my fucking hair.

sorry if this disturbs you.

you shouldn't have read it then.

all words and no pics.

God, grant me that silver lining on the cloud.

or at least make my hair black again.

Amen.