we shall never forget

A few months ago...

My phone buzzed silently, an sms coming in. I whip out my phone and press the worn out buttons and stare at the screen. It was from Dad. Nai Nai (NN), my paternal grandmother, was hospitalised in Pantai Hospital.

NN had been fighting health complications for years. Many years ago, there was a tumour, a benign one. 2 years ago there were two, and pieces scattered around. A few months ago, there was one that was encircling her ureter. All benign, but just as lethal. Surgery, radiotherapy, chemotherapy, Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), Quantum pendants, Xangosteen (Mangosteen juice), microsurgery, we tried them all. And at least for the moment, NN's time with us was extended. 2 years ago, the doctors told us she had 6 months - tops. And yet, she pulled through just fine. Until that sms.

Previously, NN was being cared for in a care center run by my uncle Anthuan of the famous Ratos family, a place called Lecadia in Pudu for the elderly who don't just need care, but medical care as well. It was there that many a time Dad, Kor (brother Ming Hui) and I visited, sometimes taking Yeh Yeh (YY - grandfather) out for dinner. At some points NN was back at their flat in Kepong, and that's where we'd go for weekend dinners instead.

And then the sms. NN was now in the Cardiac Care Unit (CCU), where there's all the necessary monitoring equipment. I was in the middle of my trial exams, and it was in the middle of the week. That weekend, I visited with Dad and Kor. She's improved a lot since the past few days, I was told. Although when I saw her tiny figure in that hospital bed, I thought she's shrunk a few too many sizes. And her mind was a little off. Sometimes she'd recognise people, sometimes not. She didn't recognise me at first, but she remembered me as one of her granchildren who always got out of the car the slowest. Not something I've heard before, perhaps it was just her own observation.

Soon, she was back in Lecadia where she recovered a little. I visited her a few times with Kor and Dad. Kor, who could drive, could visit her more often. However, I was in the middle of my trial exams and I couldn't, or sometimes a little too lazy and/or tired to visit. Most of my cousins travelled from all over the world to come visit. Australia, Sitiawan, Singapore, Penang, even America.

Last weekend, that is, the start of the school holidays, Kor invited me to go with him and Mei Sze to visit. I agreed. We went there, and out of the blue Kor took out his guitar from the boot. Alas, he forgot to tell me that he was planning to sing for her, or I would have brought my bass guitar there too. We went up. NN was steadily deteriorating. She had come to the point where she needed morphin patches to numb her from the pain. As Kor sang and played, I softly harmonised where I could, and tried to include my not-as-nice-voice in as well. NN grunted and clapped slowly (assisted by YY). She was weak and tired, too weak for much movement and no speech at all. I silently prayed that she shouldn't be made to endure this pain, either cure her or... That was the last time I saw her alive.

A week later, a little before the noon of Saturday, 25th August 2007, Chen Lee Yoon passed away peacefully beside her faithful husband, Wan Kin Heong. It was one day after his 77th birthday.

"of tears and of flowers soon
there'll be sadness and despair.'

Two days after I posted my poem online, two days after Kor blogged about NN, two days after Mei Sze (my cousin) blogged about escaping death, two days after we all felt we had to express ourselves through our blogs, NN passed from our realm of the living.

God bless her, may she find her peace up there. We shall never forget.

a little poetry to express some emotions

he lay there in the rain

he endured it very much alone

alas, his wait was in vain

for she had already gone.

he watched as the world sweeped past

yesterday the same as tomorrow

she finally left him at long last

he was now going solo.

crap. you know how hard it is to write good poetry? scratch that, you know how hard it is to come up with lines that rhyme in the first place?? it ain't easy man. especially, when you're like me, you've got no real reason to write, nothing special that you've got in mind, and nothing that you actually want to write about. well, it IS hard. (the 2 stanzas above have no particular meaning, just wanted to get something to rhyme...)

i wrote a poem for my class. well, it's about my class, and i think i want to send it in for garudamas. i mention upskirting and dota and cheating in exams, but what the heck. they don't appreciate good effort (coz it's not good poetry, so gotta fall back on the effort) then it's their loss. i'll post it up here soon anyway.

i wrote another poem for my grandmother. my dad's mom has cancer and she's been slipping away bit by bit. the poem is an almost direct copy of 'there's been a death in the opposite house', the one by emily dickinson that we study in form 4 literature, except mine's titled differently... "there shall be a death in my family soon". it's just my observations of what's currently happening and at the end, i include a little bit of what i'm mostly feeling right now about it. it's really sad actually to see my grandma suffering like that. she's bedridden and is getting morphin to numb her from the pain. she still moans a little though. that's actually quite scary, knowing that a few years back she used to cook dinner for my visits every few weeks with my dad. i never really was close to my grandparents due to the language barrier and all, and also i wasnt really the favoured child anyway. nobody's to blame for that, it's just the way things turned out. i guess i could take most of the blame coz i never really tried to get to know them better. anyways, i'd like to share the poem i wrote. i hope the Wan family members who visit here (that means mei sze onli la, i duno if my bro comes here...) dont actually take offence or anything. i know it's bad luck and all to talk about her passing away when she hasnt, but it's something inevitable and i think the longer she holds on, the more she suffers anyway. a pretty sad situation, where everyone thinks it but nobody says it openly. here goes.

*ahem*

There Shall Be A Death In My Family Soon

There shall be a death in my family soon
As surely as night and day
I know it by the tight-lipped smiles
Such faces betray always

The relatives come to visit
The doctors send Her home
A nurse feeds her porridge
Slowly she moans

Somebody brings some fruits in
The relatives look away
Their sweetness She no longer craves
Untouched there it shall lay

The husband enters exhausted
He’s been there all day, everyday
Together They’ve shared 60 years
By Her side is where he’ll stay

And then the drips, and the oxygen
That’ll help to ease Her breathing
There’s blood in Her urine now
Her body’s finally giving

That phone call I utterly dread
Telling me She’s no longer there
Of tears and of flowers soon
There’ll be sadness and despair.

To Nhi Nhi: We shall never forget.

my family - not your cup of tea.

my family is, by normal standards, not really a family.

i was born to two 33-year-old parents in 1990. i was the second child, 4 years after my brother. we were, briefly, a family or sorts.

my father, according to my mother, wasn't really much of a father. my mum often said that he was more like a bachelor tied down by marriage. and, looking at my father's younger photos, he certainly was capable of attracting more than just a casual glance. even today, i do not know if that was the reason why he left the three of us for someone else.

it matters not anymore. my mother became a single parent when i was no more than 6 years old. she claims, however, she was a single parent from the start. i know not.

my brother is very much a brother. he used to be the nightmare of a younger sibling, and at the same time was my first true friend and play mate. he cannot doubt that he picked on me more than occasionally, and i proudly proclaim that he was also my wall, my defence, my pillar of support. when he left home for singapore when i was 12 to leave me alone with my mother at home, i genuinely felt the emptiness and loneliness that appears only when someone you take for granted is no more by your side.

my mother is a strong woman, one of the strongest i ever have known, and probably the strongest woman i shall ever know. she is, in my eyes, a perfectly dedicated mother and responsible parent. she puts her children first before anything else. that is, in my opinion, the greatest sacrifice a mother makes. my mother makes that sacrifice on a daily basis, and it is an uncomparable sacrifice.

it is undeniable also to say that i am of the lowest level in my family. no matter how you put it, i have always been and always will be the most inferior in the family. do not doubt it. it is true.

so, knowing my family, would you deem it a family? i live only with my mother now. my brother lives with my father. i often keep to myself at home. my brother only comes over on some weekends. i see my father on alternate weekends, and that is true only when he is not overseas. my family, to me, has been torn apart by circumstances and by distance.

i couldn't do away with my father. he is the main provider in the family. my future depends on the success of his business ventures. without him, i shall have little or no higher education at all.

my mother i certainly cannot lose. without her, i lose myself. full stop.

my brother is on his own, yet his continued presence in my family has a positive effect. he is the one to hold the family together, he is our diplomat. he is the one who brings the smiles and laughs in my family. if he goes away, certainly what is left of my family will crumble to dust. the last time he went away to singapore, my mother almost disowned me. no, i do not think we can do away with him, either.

that leaves me. who am i to the family? what do i bring? what do i contribute? am i a crucial part of this family? what will happen if i am no more? will the family ever be the same again?

i have a friend, whom i shall not disclose the friend's name here. i shall not even identify the gender. i shall refer to the friend merely as my friend. my friend is an only child. my friend's parents are still living together, but father is abusive and mother is vunerable. they bicker constantly. sometimes, my friend is so traumatised that the thought of running away from home seems like a good idea. in the end, my friend remains at home, holding it all in and hoping for the best.

i complain no more about my family. i am me, and as a member of the Wan family i am proud to be just who i am. shouldn't we all be proud of who we are?

my family is, by normal standards, not really a family. my family remains a family in a unique and extraordinary way. normal standards can kiss my arse for all i care.

dig me up

dedicated to a daughter i have never really lost

"Dig" by Incubus

We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easier to identify
Look me in the eye and ask for forgiveness
And make a pact to never speak that word again
Yes, you are my friend

We all have something that digs at us
At least we dig each other
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me
Sing this song
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone

We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try
We all have something that digs at us
At least we dig each other

So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me
Sing this song
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone

yeah yeah, i havent been updating. sue me.

d only reason i AM updating is... coz im in skul. yeah, it's bio period and my teacher is absent, so im in d smartlab where my relief teacher told us to come. i brought a physics book for me to revise but... i ended up here anyway. shit.

trials is starting next tuesday and im screwed. im quite lost in physics, bio, chem, and sej. havent memorised moral nilai yet. there's a weird feeling now... everyone's studying. i mean, EVERYONE. jill ho is teaching (yes, TEACHING) yew kean addmath while tee is reading mmatz. how screwed up is dat?? and to think i stone away in class either dai di-ing or playing frisbee with dat pringle's cover. ok lah, i do study oso... go home i study dy. after dis til september or mebbe d holidays, i cant online... well, i can la, but i wont be updating here... mebbe reply friendster testi oso cannot. sigh... wont be able to catch up with stone che che's 800testi.

lee jun lin and suang fu are using d computers behind me, playing dota. they're like stoned to hell man... haha... in d corner of d smartlab, playing dota. free cc... haha... yew kean is in front, chatting up somebody anonymous from msn and flirting like hell... tee is surfing friendster for pictures of cute chickas. how stone can 5j get?

thankfully, we have ppl like kok ken, d top guy in class... aiyah, he's corrupted dy. he recruited into d cdd club, and also plays dota. haha... but den, when he got free time alone he'll study wei. dats scary... ok ok, let's take min ray. no no no, he's too stone now. dono wat's up with him. too little brain matter? hahahhaha... dats cruel and i forgive myself for saying it. xp

no pictures, obviously... coz im in skul and i dun haf pictures to post. mebbe i'll edit later on and add some stone pictures. haha...

i wonder what ppl like jun seng, saidy, and quan yew are surfing. probably surfing for formulae or something study-related. probably. i feel stoned up. crap...

recently re-established connection with lynnett... been ignoring lots of friends from other skuls since i got together with zmin. it's coz... when you've got salmon, you dont reli feel like tuna, do you? well... i realised dat having both is better coz there's variety and at least d tuna wont (in her words) bazooka you thru her bloggie. hahahah... nah, jus kiddin. she's alrite i guess. now to start stoning. woohoo!

click here if you're stoned.

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