hanging up the pride

it's time.

i've wondered how it feels when it does. i no longer wonder. i know.

it's the pain of growing older, it's the regret of words unsaid or actions untaken. it's the longing for old times to return.

you wish time would turn back and bring you back to that magical period, when it was all you enjoyed and all you looked forward to.

the feeling of being an important figure. the respect and admiration showered on you. the feeling of knowing that you're Making A Difference.

the knowledge that you're helping people grow and learn. the understanding that your actions will determine their future. the responsibility of it all. the burden, the longed for burden. the cross to carry.

i never asked for my cross to be shortened. to be lighter. i took it and held it against my back with pride and gratitude for the opportunity. i was glad i took the challenge.

i was rewarded not by medals or money. i am rewarded by the success of those under my wing. i am rewarded by the knowledge and skills learnt by them while under my tutelage. i am rewarded knowing that i helped them GROW.

and then all of a sudden, it's over. the senior position, the guiding, the helping, it all stopped. it was time for the next generation to take over. tears of blood flowed freely from my heart.

like dettol on an open wound, it stung like hell but it was for the greater good. that magical time could never come again. but still, i am grateful that i had it in the first place.

i feel aged, as if the world caught up with me and threw me upon the cold marble floor. the storm followed the rain, and i am caught with no shelter and no roof over my head.

and then the rain stopped as i realised that YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE AND NOT WHO PEOPLE SAY YOU ARE. i remain respected, i remain admired to some extent, and i remain in the memories of the young ones as the one who helped them through difficult times and lent a helping hand or shoulder to cry on. i am still me, without the position, but still with the virtues it has blessed me with. i will carry on.

i feel old. soon, i will start anew. butterflies and hurricanes, moths and tornadoes, even if i go insane, i'll still go where the wind blows.

it's time.